Judging- The refreshing mental exercise

There isn't a more gratifying task than categorically judging people , and that is what I resort to in the times of deepest despair.
So, I have once again dared to believe that I can lose weight.Which btw is impossible without having spent so much money that it aches my pockets enough, to give me sleepless guilt-full nights.
One week old, I have visited the gym at all possible timings and have covered all the categories by and large.Though I have hardly lost some 555 grams ,but since the unpaid lame journalist inside me is eager to rant, I must educate all of you with my findings.

1. 'Pari hoon Main'
Yeah,I could not think of a better way to to describe her.She is so damn lite it feels like gravity is doing her some favor by letting her stand.Every time she is running on a treadmill next to me , I feel like immediately hogging some food down her throat to make my existence justifiable.As much as I try, I am never able to empathize with people of her category.So yeah...you can ask for 'extra cheese' without having people look at you with humiliation enough to disturb your digestion . You do not have an untouched section of clothes in your wardrobe that you dream you'll be able to wear one day....must be a sad life!

2.Muscle Uncle!
So while all the other Grandpas are taking a nap at home,he is the next Arnold Schwarzenegger in making.
Now,is it just the gym I go to,or their population is rising among the affluent class I am not very sure of.
Out of respect I would not be able to comment much on this category, but I tend to look. through escaping gazes in pure amazement.So..Mr. Muscle Uncle i understand your liking for fitness,but you are no 'curious case' understand that, and let alone those heavy weights.

3.His Royal Sweatiness ...padampada....
Yeah ..the whole point of coming to the gym is to sweat it out, but dude, you just arrived!

4.Mirror mirror on the wall!
Mr. SnowWhite if you are done with drooling over your own overgrown, protein inflated muscles please move on. This mirror has to pay heed to many such self-appreciating beast-like men.

5. Aunty ji aunty ji...shut up and Run!
From the increasing expenditure on grocery to the latest updates she got from the wedding she attended last night.All the discussion must happen within those 20 mins on the treadmill ,ad-mist the sweating and the abnormal breathing. As less as I care ,but I end up knowing her husband's favorite food, her kid's school timings and much more educative information of the likes.

6.From Milan ...with love
Ok, so these are the bunch of gals I hate a li'l more than the milkman who wakes me up at 5:30 in the morning ...arrrghh!!
Coming back to the point, she would be spending more time on dressing up for the gym than working out IN the gym.
Not to mention, joining the gym was preceded by a week-full of shopping for the 'gym look. 'Obviously ,she is dressed from top to bottom in high end brand clothes.If you are going to the gym, and there aren't enough cuts and holes in your garment to reveal the brand of each layer, you are so sadly unaware of gym etiquette. The point behind applying coats of make-up while working out, people like me who barely wake up and walk in like a zombie would just fail to understand.

7.Volume kam kar!
Irrespective of the age, there are always some people who are shouting at the top of their voice while lifting weights.While I am shamelessly resting in-between my workout, these guys would scare the hell out of me with the annoying noises they make.

8.Self-Talker
"C'mmon you can do it!
Just one more!
You know you can do it!"
hahahah....I dunno what to say ...you thought 'talking to oneself' is practiced only in Ekta Kapoor serials...nah!
This is one funny sight to watch :)

9. Hotness has no age!
 Nothing funny about them. I am just in complete awe of these 40 somethings that make my each day truly inspirational.God knows if they have been secretly blessed, but I cannot imagine looking half as fit and pretty as them. That mother of two lady has got such a fab figure and glowing skin that she makes that Santoor ad seem real. And that 45-47 year old guy( yeah nobody can call him 'uncle') has a got a *ahem* you can't take your eyes off.

10.Last but not the least,aam junta like me of course.
Not knowing what to do.  ,We just arrive everyday at the the gym with a hundred myths, whims and fancies and weird concerns. We do create some amount of entertainment with our naive inability to fall into the right place.I 'd rather not expose my stupid behavior publicly....maybe somebody else might be working on it :p

So here's the story of my unsuccessful gym-ing so far.
Now that its done, I have no escape from having to actually do what I am suppose to rather than simply stare people and form opinions :/
Back to sad life...yawn!

Have you met Love?

"No di...we are planning to take a break this year,we both don't want to mess with our board exams"
This is what my 15 year old neighbor told me when I casually inquired about her freshly updated 'boy friend'.
This cute little girl sneaks out of her house almost every evening on her pink basket embellished bicycle with gushing enthusiasm.
Our guy, Mr.'I am at the peak of awesomeness' rides around dramatically,with one hand busy disentangling his hair,in a complete 'pehla nasha' style.
They both invariably meet amidst a marketplace and park their respective vehicles.
Over a pack of wafers or some affordable orange colored lick-able ice cream they would discuss the most staple part of their life, home work.She likes science,he likes maths so that worked out well in their 'relationship'.They follow the ritual of exchanging messages over phone late night,which  has become a universally accepted and practiced method of expressing or acknowledging THE if 'they' are to be believed...'Love'.
While I was left quizzed with the idea of two 15-16 year old kids romancing over phone, she gives me a look of haughty disdain on my failure to contemplate the depth of relationships even at a 'end of quarter' age.
She does need guidance from me when she has a computer science test the next day,but when it comes to 'fundas' about guys and and relationships, I end up at the receiving end of a case-study based 'gyaan' session.


I don't know if its just me or has 'break-up'  become a tea-time entertainment source these days.Every evening while I dip my cookie into the tea,it comes out soaked with a new sympathy-expecting heartbreak story and as desperately as one might narrate it as new,it never really is.

They fell in love while on a trip from college.
Excuse me for being repetitive but despite my effort I have been unable to find an appropriate alternative to 'falling in love' yet.So yeah..they fell in love,stayed in a relationship for around 5 long years,something went wrong and they had to break-up. This a generic story common to at least 10-12 people i know,so I wouldn't emphasize on the 'something' that went wrong because from my first/second/third hand experience I can ascertain that it must be marriage/long-distance/lack of interest/parents/hotter chick/richer guy.

I was very close to inventing a formula on calculating the time period required to 'move on' based on the data  of time spent in a relationship but I realized that they are not directly proportional.There is an insanity involved in love and only if its percentage is known,mathematics might be able to intervene.

"I saw her for the first time and I knew this is the girl I want to marry."
I am a huge bollywood fan,but no..I am not quoting it from any of my favorite SRK movies.More often than not,life gets more unreal than  reel and in one of those moments, I encounter such godly instances.
He looks at her and without even knowing what language she speaks is instantly ready to spend his whole bloody life with her and with no possible logic I can find a way to explain that even she ends up falling in love with him.
Agreed 'marriages are made in heaven' ,the goof ups maybe for the sake of entertainment or maybe there are freshers being recruited for the job who end up messing with the whole database.

Flabbergasted with all the love that surrounds me, I end up penning down my bizzare thoughts ,with a fake contentment of having achieved some expertise and with a hope that life shall endlessly surprise me into ...you know what :)

Cure,Love,Kill Etc...

My hands were shuddering, while the rest of my body parts denied their co-existence and stood frozen in front of his soulless frame.His eyes ogled into me as the blood-pouring knife lay there as an alibi. I looked at my hands once again,they were red with fear,but no blood.

I have always wanted him to be dead but I never thought I would kill him.

"Were you high on cocaine again??"

"Why don't you believe me,I have not touched it ever since I have started with your medication."

How could I have killed him,I hardly use the knife to cut vegetables,how can I possibly peirce through someone's intestines and go back to sleep..no matter how much I hate him!!

"But there was nobody else around,the weapon has your fingerprints...how would I explain ..."

"I DID NOT KILL HIM,I DID NOT....don't let me die ....I don't want go to Jail...don't let me go.."

"Ok ok ...we don't have to panic,I won't let you go anywhere,just relax,I am there."

These six months have been life-altering for me.

I would come home late,drenched with potion,devoid of my senses.I could hear her scream,but my eardrums were accustomed to the cacophonous noises confined in those walls.

I wanted to sleep soundless,so went to their room to shut the door that he had never felt the need to close.
She was on the floor,without any urge to get up.

People usually told me that I had my mother's smile.I wouldn't know,I had never seen her smile.

I looked at her,our eyes met.The blood veins breached of pain.I took a step ahead to extend my hand to pull her up but I knew she would just push me away.With a mind grappled with thoughts,I just shunned away everything that I saw and rushed to my room.

I pulled out the white packet from under the mattress and hastily dissolved a spoon of it in the glass all ready with the right amount of water. As the hollow syringe pulled in the thick white liquid, there were bubbles of expectations in my heart. Then I let the syringe drill in some more tolerance into my soul.

I had been living such nights forever,until I met him,Dr.Khan.

It must have been a god-planned coincidence,how else would you explain me going in search to refill my usual stock and end up at a psychiatrist.

"Does he hurt you too??"

 I just needed an eyebrow raised and a voice pitched with concern for me,and I was ready to pour my heart out.

"No,he does not care much for my existence".

Ever since he pulled out, one sperm less from inside of her,me and Ma have been pretty much on our own.

She hotfoots all around the house every morning ,cooking,feeding,cleaning and washing.I wouldn't know where does she get the humongous courage from, to flip the roti ,for him who burned the same hand last night.

I would talk about Ma for hours with him.I didn't realize,but it gave me strength.That is how he taught me to eat,walk,sleep without diluting my body enzymes with external soothing help.

She wore the pink ,that Khan pushed me to buy her for her birthday.I don't remember the last time she wore something new.Her lips took a break from being swollen and matched the color of the saree , that is the closest we could get her to smile.

"How did she like the perfume??"

"Sir...its been two hours...your next patient is waiting outside"

"I have told you I won't be taking anymore patients while she is here....send them back,I am busy for a month"

Me and Khan were beyond Dr and patient now.He would take me out for shopping and dinner,things I had never done,love that I had never felt.Every time we went out,we bought something for Ma and I quietly use to keep it in her wardrobe.

"She smelled different,I think she liked it."

I was happy...I knew I could live now...I could live for Khan.I would buy a home far away and take Ma with me.She would not want to go ,but I'd persuade her.

"He used Belt today...I saw the marks"

The glass of water in his hand crashed forthwith,piercing through his skin, went in the brittle pieces of glass as I saw a sudden rush of rage run through brows.

"Khan..Are you ok ??"
"Yeah...cheap glasses we bought....nothing"

No,she would not go out with us.I tried asking her once on Khan's insistence but she gave me a look that said, I had asked her for the forbidden.Anything that would let fresh air touch her,was crime.

"Ma killed him...Ma killed him because of me"

"She could not have,you told me she left town for a day"

Ma had never left me alone with that monster,why only that day she had to suddenly leave town,I never really cared to ask till then.

"Your tests say Cocaine.....in high amount"

I didn't know what to say,I had broken windows ,crashed car,rolled down the stairs.

 Kill my own father!!

I could not have done that and forgotten.

Khan said he knew lawyers,just a few months and I'll be out.

They declared me insane.I could take that for Ma...if accused,she would die...she would refuse to live.

They had my hands clutched with handcuffs as they took me to the reception area. I looked at Khan,he stood there with a smirk-ish smile,which my eyes read as a confirmation that he would come back soon.

I entered the rehab with a firm thought of me walking out in a month.

"So...when do I see you again??"

"Soon..."

"Take care of Ma ...." 
my voice shrieked through the glass windows as i stared,until I saw the last bit of him abandon

The soon never came...I never heard of Ma...
Who knew....Ma was well taken care of...

"Send the next patient in...."

THE END


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Just Married

Without a qualm,she placed the revolver gently on top of  the television and switched the TV off.She picked up the pack of cigarettes lying on the table and pulled one out.It was raining outside,she loved rain.
She walked barefoot outside to the balcony and stood just near the end of the shelter,with tips of some strands of her long black hair getting brushed by the raindrops.The anklet resting on the wings of the butterfly, tattoed on her right ankle made a honeyed sound as she moved from one end of the balcony to the other.The smoke voyaged from one end of the cig into the moist air,and she stared at it till its last breath...as though bidding goodbye.With the cigarette almost over, she came inside and stuffed it into the ash tray turned coffee mug.

The mug with a photo of them together.It was a random pic with she, pulling his cheeks to infinity and ,and he, with a expression of fake crying out of the sweet pain.They looked perfect together,she thought.

It had been 4 yrs since they first met.
Garbed in a shiny red frock like frilly dress with a black slacks streched over her perfectly shaped legs,she was practicing her moves backstage.Iterating her pirouettes,her toe slipped on the carpeted floor, and she tripped.
He,behind the drums, saw her big brown eyes going from 'shining with excitement', to 'moronic with nervousness'.
"There..." he streched his hand to pull her up."Its quite a slippery floor here...but its not like that on stage...you'll be fine there".
With an embarrassed smirk on her face,she took his hand and stood up.
Who knew, that hand had to be held for a real long time.
Thereafter,her dance practice ,and his drums sessions, were inevitably followed by things ranging from coffee,to beer,to smoke together.Their passion for music and various other  addictions,magnetized their attraction into love,and when together,every other sense in the world,just dwarfed away.
With college getting over,the only way they could manage to stay together was to move in.

'Their' house was a tiny one room kitchen, on one of the many meager streets of Kolkotta.The balcony gave a slight peek into the bumbling act of the city.Furniture was negligible,at a glance,you would see a couple a mattresses and a few handicapped chairs lying around,and a bundle of clothes stacked at 2-3 random corners.She gave comfort to her aesthetic itch by assembling the used beer bottles into weird pieces of art.It was a home that they came back to.It was a home that had a zillion stories to tell.
The red stains on the kitchen floor was a result of his first cooking experiment on her birthday.The scratch on the television ,was what happened when he had not answered her calls for one WHOLE day.The half burnt corner of the curtain,the sketch pen marks on the wall.....gave away that this house had been lived in...loved in.

"Mom and Dad refused....its not gonna happen Zoha...its just not gonna happen"
She stared at him in denial for a while...and then looked away.
"So...what do you want me to cook for dinner today...I am in a pasta mood....watsay??"
Yelling at the top of his voice, he held her with both his hands on her shoulders and shrugged endlessly
"Are you not listening Zoha.....we cannot stay together anymore....I am getting engaged....its the end Zoha...no more dinners together....you eat alone...I eat alone....its over!!OVER!!"

It wasn't sinking in...and he was not going to let it not sink in.

The voices came back to her,loud and clear.She picked the coffee mug heatedly and was about to smash it to the ground,but something stopped her.
She came back to her calm self and, let go off the mug and the umbrage.

The rain was getting harsh,she shut the door to the balcony,and went inside to take a shower.
She came out with a towel wrapped loosely around her lean tired body,and from one of the stacked bundles of clothes took out a RED glittering saree.She wasn't sure how to drape one,but somehow managed to wrap herself in red.She stood in front of the mirror and digged into one of the boxes to find a lipstick.With the bangles,earings and bindi in place,the mirror smiled at her,and she took it as a compliment.
She pulled one end of the saree and ineptly covered her head with it.There was just one thing left....she picked the lipstick again and applied it at the parting of her hair.It was done now,just the way it should be.

She moved towards the TV and turned it on.She picked up the revolver carefully lying next to it.
Sat on the mattress right next to his lifeless body....wrapped one hand around his ...and with the other..shot herself...

The Twenty something speaks...

Hi,My name is ABC and I am a Twenty something!
Hi,My name is XYZ and I am a Twenty something!
 ..............MNL........................etc... ......................

 Hello Fellow 'Tweens', today we all have gathered here,so that we know that we are not alone, and this torment can be faced and fought together.We can survive this,and come alive out of it. Its just a phase...and if you are brave...you'll be fine :)

 Yeah...I wish somebody took this as seriously as Alcoholism or Drug addiction,we would have actually had the ever so needed Rehabs for the Twenty something crimeless sufferers.

Its fine till 21-22,you are happy( and if you are lucky,you won't know that you are gay),the leaves are green, the flowers smell good,you have no major charges against the phenomenon of sunrise-sunset.
BUT..my dear friend,if you have dared to cross the 22,you are up for a belt-less roller-coaster ride of your life!
The Earth rotates at a higher or lower speed,definitely not the usual,you are seriously sickened by the 'why me' widespread disease.You are maintaining a perfect balance between 'Mr. know it all' and 'yet so messed up' stage,its quite a task I tell you. You have been ditched at least once, ok fine! YOU dumped him/her...if at all that boosts your timid ego,go for it.You might have a job,or maybe you are looking for one,but your are certainly not happy,you are not allowed to be happy.Dude...you are in your twenties...its almost against the law to be happy.
You are now stuck up between two groups of friends.

Group 1.
Till yesterday,they were playing cricket with you in your self-acclaimed ground like park.You were roaming around together in your scratched and cracked car all over the city with the music loud enough to traumatize
not just your,but the whole universe's ear drums,and your playlist...well lets not even go there.
NOW,suddenly they hit some kind of  jackpot and have landed in some place in 'Amrica' or 'Caneda' or some foreign land to be precise.Now your 'daaru' and 'sutta' has become boozing and fagging for them.
Your conversation starters have changed from 'kya haal hai launde' to 'ssup dude'.While you are struggling to maintain the one single chance at relationship that you have,they supposedly are too busy to even remember names!

Group 2
Married/Engaged!
They have suddenly chosen to run on a completely different tangent of life altogether.Apparently you seem all happy for them,but inside you are still wondering if they are more sorted than you ,or are they more screwed??Neverthless it is a mandate to curse them for ruining the singledom for everyone in the circle.

YOU...are too cool to be a part of either of the groups.So you have created a  group of your own.
Your life revolves around 3 C's
Cribbing
Consoling
Confusion
You are doing your own thing,you are experimenting,exploring...and if I may say so...Living.
Don't try to push or fast-forward anything,it would be as nugatory as honking in the middle of a traffic jam,when the signal is red.
Right now it seems..messed up,crazy,Insane.
Einstein defined  insanity as doing the same thing again and again..and expecting different results.
So my dear friend ...do a quick Insanity check...if you are atleast inventing a new method of doing it the wrong way everytime you experiment......then I guess,you are doing it RIGHT.

And as far as being in the twenties goes.....live it!...it won't last.

( P.S - obviously the 'you' here is 'I',but I am hoping its more of a 'we')

Peace!

Sugarless Love(Part 2)

He added those two spoonfuls of sugar like a tradition,and stirred.
She watched him peacefully,as if the clanking sound he created,was music to her.The way she looked at him had changed,it was warmer now,but he still wasn't sure of what her eyes said.
Evidently she had a history,ofcourse a sob story,which she was either  too chocked up to speak of,or had swallowed long back.
He had dared to ask her about her past once,but the result was 2days of a quieter silence than ever.So he never attempted to botch the effort so far,by poking her again.
They(Mostly he) spoke about the winds,the weather,the birds and only sometimes, as a respect to human race,about real people.
One fine day,she came up to him and was about to place that cup of tea on the table infront,when he suddenly grabbed her hand,and nimbly pulled her towards himself.
"Marry me!"
There was an air of frostiness.
He had anticipated rejection,opposition,surprise..etc,but none of them happened.After about a minute(seemingly decade) of stillness ,she carefully kept the cup on the table.
"I'll bring sugar....and...
and ...I'l think about it...."
That was enough to bring a smile on his face.He did a little imaginary 'celebration dance' in his mind and immediately started picturing her in a beautiful bride's attire.

After he left,she sat down calmly in one corner of her hut and re-illustrated the whole last month in some split seconds to herself.It had been a long time,this fitted rightly into her life's jigsaw.
She knew what she had to do.She looked at herself in the mirror,and a mild smirk came back.

He came early the next morning.Having unslept the longest night of the decade,his eagerness for a response was sparkling in  his eyes.She was busy doing her daily chores when he directly rushed into the kitchen,a li'l kid's soul had entered his body..

"Hey...u thought??"
"You came early today.."
"Yeah...u thought abt it??"
"Wait outside...I'll make tea"

Whenever she said something,it was more of a command than a suggestion,so he didnt bother to retaliate and obediently took his usual seat.He had not just proposed HER,but also PATIENCE to marry him..and stay together for the rest of his life.
 She came with the cup,and instead of placing it on the table,gave to him directly and sat down beside him.
He was surprised!,since the last one month...this was the first time there was an alteration in the sequence of events today.It must be a sign.

"And sugar??"
"Its already there...I have made it"...she said it with a smile that stretched from ear to ear.

He didn't feel the need for a response now.Her eyes,her smile...the sugar...everything spoke.It spoke loud and clear for him,or may be he just heard what he wanted to.
She eyeballed ,as he drank the tea sip by sip.

It was a love-eye lock and suddenly his eyes didn't blink,
his hands started shivering and he felt breathless,choked...he tried to shout or speak,but the voice stopped midway.
The cup fell from his hand and BROKE!
In an attempt to reach for her,he stretched his hand and within a couple of seconds gave up....gave up for good.
She serenely got up,saw him,touched him and confirmed there was no breathing.
Picked up the broken cup and walked towards the washing area.Cleaned it carefully and wiped it
And finally neatly placed it with the rest of the broken cups in the basket...

There was still space for more...she thought....and the smirk came back..


THE END

Sugarless Love (part1 )

After travelling for 40kms up and down the hills, he finally delivered his last package for the day.He pulled out a hankerchief  from his pocket, and wiped off that one drop of sweat on his forehead, that had managed to loom despite the chilling winds.While cursing the day when he took up this part time job of a delivery guy,he started his scooter and hopped on to go back.The high altitude had turned his throat into Sahara desert,so he began looking around for  some place to quench his thirst....for water ofcourse!.At a visible distance he saw a board
'Sapna Tea stall'

As if living in  her own climatic region of some sort, under that almost broken hut like structure,she was draped in a thin cotton sari and and a namesake shawl sprawling between her neck and shoulder.
She heard the sound of a scooter approaching and got up to greet the customer.

"Excuse me...can I have a glass of water??"
She looked at him in the eye..and without an inch of expression said..
"Sorry Sir...we serve only tea..no water"
"And how do you make tea without water?"
He expected a smile,but got none.She kept gazing at him as though her eyes were too tired to blink.He couldn't comprehend the situation or her body language,so quickly ordered for one cup of tea..to jump the awkwardness.While sitting on the one single piece of furniture in the proximity,he watched her making tea.
It took him more than one glance to appreciate her beauty,and once he arrived at it,he realized ..she was too pretty to be alone.
With the extra vigilant senses that a women is blessed with,she could feel him staring from the corner of her eye.She brought the tea to him,and kept it on table in front.With his eyes locked elsewhere,he picked it up and was about to drink when she said
"Wait!"
She rushed inside and brought a bowl of sugar and spoon and placed it in front of him.
"Please add sugar to taste....the tea is sugarless"
He smiled.In his mind he imagined a bollywood scene with 'sarson ke khet' and violins playing in backgroud and considered saying  something like...it must be sweet already,you have made it and blah blah...but with her face going from cold to chilled..he erased the  theorization .
He drank it as slowly as possible to delay the end.He made one or two futile attempts to strike a conversation,and after hell lot of perseverance managed to get a few nods and a teeny-weeny smile.
Despite minimal exchange of words,he learnt that she lived there alone and was content with the amount of money she made my this small tea stall.
She was in her late twenties,but her face was stuck up at a younger age.A few wrinkles here and there gave away what her seemingly innocent eyes were trying to hide.
He stood up to place the cup in the washing area,but she almost  snatched it from him and went ahead.He followed her, to keep the wordless conversation on.
Near the sink,he saw a bunch of broken cups neatly placed.
"Hey...these are broken...you don't throw them??"
As expected..she said nothing,answering in one go was against her practice.
"these are broken..."
She looked at him,almost through him..
"those are....those are memories..."
She was too interesting and beautiful to be not met again.

He now made sure that he would grab all the parcels to be delivered in that area.Now winter,cold breeze etc,didn't bother him.She was magnetic!
He would sometimes drink 2-3 cups of tea in a row...just for her to be there.And she was growing fond of him too.She had graduated from 'nods' and 'smiles' to actual sentences.

It had been a month...and they met almost daily.For him,it had crossed the levels of attraction...it felt Love
For her....he didnt know...

To be continued....

Dhakka laga bukka...

It will be suffocatingly monotonous at times and yet surprise you everyday, it will constantly push you forward and yet hold you like it's own,it won't ask you your name but will remember your face ....a million heartbeats reside here,survive here.live here..die here and fondly call IT 'Amchi Mumbai'.

No, I cant explain this city to you in a few words..I am too naive for that,I am just one of that crowd who doesn't belong here but has felt Mumbai's warmth, to the extent of its sweat!
Here's just how one day...Mumbai welcomed me,pushed me,hugged me,grabbed me,threw me and in the end patted my back for having made it alive :)

I have heard a thousand stories and a million experiences about Mumbai local trains,but had never really experienced the real journey.Every time I tell people that I have been to the city quiet a number of times,the first question that pops up is,"have u been in the local" and I always wondered that I have traveled in the ever so infamous DTC buses n no. of times,how different/bad could this possibly be??(Now i laugh at myself for having compared the two).So i thought ..big deal....lets do this!.Took a couple of directions,and with a little jabbing from here and there which was as good as walking in the clouds by Mumbai standards,i got into the local,which was going from some place to Andheri.
I didn't get a place to sit,hence i declared it crowded.My bad!
I proudly completed my journey and walked up to one my frnds ,acted a bit fagged out but not exhausted and casually said....
"dude..i traveled in YOUR local train today...it was damn crowded....but i did ok...no big deal"
With the end of that sentence I was about to take a bow for my accomplishment....but nobody seemed impressed.
"Crowd!! at this hour...and on dis route....u gotta be kidding me!" and they giggled at my slapdash attitude of not understanding the nervous system of this city.
In the next few minutes i was told a couple of ground rules
1.if you can see through the train....it is NOT crowded at all
2.if you are in control of all your body parts...it is NOT crowded.
3.if you are able to get off at the station that you intended to...it is NOT crowded.

Second attempt.
This wasn't intentional...but i guess someone up there granted me this one trip to fill up the lacunae in my consume..once and for all.
Considering the number of people on the platform,I was already jittery about what was about to follow.I did a bit of warm up,some stretching followed by some self motivation and while i was still in my 'ready steady' mode,the whole population of Mumbai appeared from everywhere and pushed me to 'Go'.

 Cannot see through the train...check


So I was inside,not that I had a choice.I had a bag on my shoulder...and carrying luggage with you in the peak hours is CRIME...mind you, I repeat Crime!!
Now there is a magical expectation,that as soon as you get on the train...either you should get down at the very next station or magically fly(coz moving/walking is practically impossible) to some place where you and your rejected luggage would cause minimal hindrance.
After having being abused from all the four sides,the lady standing in front of me clearly read the baffled expression on my face and said "Push me hard...so that you can move ahead".Those were the rules of the jungle i guess.Although I did more of falling on her than pushing her,she passed it on...and the chain reaction took me to some place where I could  breathe the amount of oxygen required  for survival of a non-Mumbaikar.

Not in control of all your body parts ....check


There should be a warning like on cigarrette packets "Travelling in mumbai local could be injurious to health" or atleast some special demo sessions should be held for the first timers,where you could go in a simulator of some sort,I wish I had a health insurance before I got in...with all those slew of thoughts juggling in my mind,I heard the lady next to me ,asking each and every 'seated'(pichle janam ke punya honge)passenger about their destination,and booked her seat accordingly.
I was pleasantly stunned by this concept of 'booking your seat' and how religiously people followed it.No matter how far you are from your booked seat , nobody else will take it ,out of respect for this unsaid regulation.
I cannot imagine this happening in back in Delhi by any chance ever.

Now with the weirdest names on earth that places in Mumbai have, like Dombivali,Kandewali,Borevali etc...I somehow figured that my station was next and although ,i had my research in place, but I forgot the basic convention,that one should start moving towards the Exit atleast two stations prior to one's destination.Any effort now would have been futile...so I stood there comfortably(yeah..I could move both my hands,it was luxury!) and got down at the easy option...the last station.

Not able to get down at the station you intend to ...check


Finally I succesfully completed my 'mumbai-certified' experience.....peace!



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BLOODY MARY(Finale)

Yesterday - Drinking coffee with him in the office canteen at 500:pm, cut to
Today- Arms wrapped around his chest,on a bike at ,5:00am


Lets not judge them,neither of them was a great fan of 'Coffee' so they decided to take some leaps ahead...saving time and money is what we taught these kids ...din't we


5:00am
"Its been a wonderful d....mmm....its been just wonderful"
"Yes absolutely..it was..So...aren't you gonna offer me a cup of tea or something??
"I would love to...but its 5'o' clock in the morning and I am a li'l sleepy...aren't you??."
"Are you kidding me ? I feel fresh as a flower...I mean a very very Manly flower..but fresh..u get my point..don't tell me you don't know how to make tea??"
"ofcourse I know...as a matter of fact....I am GOOD at it "


He,with a belief that he had duped her once again with his allurement ,and she, with a realization that his charm was not 'befooling' enough yet was attractive ,walked into her pinky,flowery apartment.Without being directed,he made himself comfortable and among all the available furniture options,chose a place which held some future prospects for him.She sat right next to him with less than a arm's distance and offered him a hot cup of tea.
With just one or two sips down his throat,he rambled some obvious words of praise in respect of the symbolic tea and placed it on the corner table close-by.He moved a little closer to her with an intension to decrease the one arm distance to that of one palm.He took hold of that one strand of hair falling from her forehead,almost dipping into the tea,causing a hindrance in the whole process and took it softly behind her earlobe.With his eyes glued to hers ,he grabbed the cup in her hand and placed it next to his.In her mind ,she appreciated his consideration for cleanliness more than romance, as spilling of tea would have spoiled the filmy set-up.
He moved even closer now,reducing the distance from one palm...to no palm now.His hand moved from behind her earlobe to behind her neck and was more firm now.
He pulled her closer to herself from the neck,but no motion occurred.He tried again swiftly..but nothing.Instead she pushed herself away and a grim voice came 
"This doesn't feel right"
He was too close to 'the accomplishment' and had no time and energy to create and follow another plan in order to please and woo her without being pushy.He put all his faith into luck ,and the ounces of alcohol residing in her body and pulled her once again.There was no appreciable movement but there was no repelling either.
Now she locked her eyes into his which were wiped off of the shyness.
With his reborn confidence ,he moved his lips close to hers while making sure to maintain the illusive romance in the moment.
Just as they were to meet,a piece of paper dropped off from his pocket into her lap.He still curses himself for not delaying the act of picking it up in the middle of 'the rewarding task'.I don't know what in God's name made him pick that thing up and read it,but what he found was 2 movie tickets.


'Scene Freeze'


Two movie tickets of 10am show which he had bought for himself and his BEST friend.The BEST friend who had abandoned him from going out with this chick.The BEST friend who din't miss a chance to catch a glimpse of this girl.The BEST friend he was about to CHEAT!.And suddenly 'best' and 'cheat' started playing a game of kho- kho in his brain.The ever so non-existent part of his body , his concious,started hurting him,when all the other parts were about to have a party!


'Scene Unfreeze'


He said a quite sorry to the 'geared up' pal in d pants, and without a word,got up and marched towards the exit.
Before she could comprehend or react..he had left...


Along with the tea in the cup....he left two dimly possible love stories unfinished...

BLOODY MARY (part 2)

"Are you kidding me?You are already drunk...you can hardly walk straight without that hand on my shoulder...the only place else you should go is home!"

Ouch!slap on the face this was ..how to recover he thought.She was not the 'get high with one stupid bogus cocktail,start crying about your ex,get tears wiped and lay all over him with such ease that even he loses the fun of manipulation by the end of it' type. Challenge accepted !Ruminating his prior experiences and considering statistical evidences he contemplated a quick 'damage control' plan.

"You can't leave me like this(innocent eyes) ...your my MAN...you must stay with me till i get sober ..i know this lovely place which stays open all night ..we can sit and chat..I've hardly got to know you yet...c'mmon. it wld b fun!"

According to his calculation,she was the independent and 'on my own' sorts and the only way to get her was to boost that belief of hers.And with his kind of skills..how could the plan fail.

"Ok fine...i must stay...I don't want anybody to rape you ...lol..lets go...drive carefully".

2am
This place was on the highway..pretty secluded from the city.It was lit all-over with star-like lamp-shades hanging from the not so tall roof top.It had the whiff of fresh lilies mixed with wet soil..almost like you would want to eat it up.If you have ever wondered what 'mahaul' is all about..well this place defined it.
He walked almost straight now and was successfully able to pull a chair for the lady to sit.Applause :p

"So tell me...are you like not drunk at all??what did alcohol ever do to you, for you to be so rude??"
"haha....are you jealous ...that it didnt get the better of me "
"Nah...why would i be jealous..if I was ur drink..I'd be offended by now..
in fact i feel sad for you...you don't see what i see...you are still stuck in the lame world the way it is..you need to loosen up to appreciate the beauty of this whole set up right now".

Take 1 cup crappy philosophy,add 2tbsp of humor to it,add a flavor of challenge to taste  and bring it to boil.
"I say let it get the better of you...I wanna see if your already criminal eyes can kill anymore"
Garnish it with cheesy flattering.Serve hot!!

4:30am
The scene had reversed.The buddy inside the pants was happier now.Mission was in the right direction to be accomplished.The hand on her shoulder was more confident this time.

"You know..I've never been out so late....this was fun...you are fun".
"You are nice too...now hop on..I'll drop you home...and hold  tightly ok..we don't want you to fall off in the middle of the road".

Despite the fact that whole set up might seem a little tawdry...they both were actually having fun...and did start liking each other by now.

To be continued...
(Last part coming up)

BLOODY MARY!!

So...aren't you gonna offer me a cup of tea or something??
I would love to...but its 5'o' clock in the morning and I am a li'l sleepy...aren't you??.

Just as she completed that sentence she hoped that he heard a li'l less of what she said and read a li'l more of the spark in her drowsy yet wide eyes, and somehow translate it into something that said...."don't leave yet".

She was not the kind who would go out on a 'date' with some random guy from work...but there was something strikingly incomparable about him.He was not 'tall,dark and handsome' but then who is after all,unless you just walked out of a Cinderella story.Not that she was the prettiest girl around but you know sometimes just being alive with functional female parts does the trick,and with an above average face to carry that off you get enough male magnets every now and then to support the phenomenon of 'opposites attract' .So...with a killer charm of flirtatious bluffing...he asked her out ,and she said a seemingly casual Yes.

He on the other hand was a philanderer.One had pretty eyes,the other had a dazzling bod...you can't really blame him,can you.If girls were to be rated from 1 to 10 (1 being the highest) on their availability,he believed he could get anybody from the range of 3 to 7 and might have to work a li'l hard on the 1's and 2's(the 8,9,10's can give themselves a ...u knw wt :P).Well...for this damsel....he dint bother to rate,coz  his best buddy had already put a 'teri bhabhi hai' stamp on her.
But that day,at the party, when she walked in with that gleaming black dress on her satin-like body,with a glass of sparkling red drink in her hand...she looked like a bottle of champagne herself  and omg..i'd call him gay if he did not consider getting slaushed!
So,with a killer charm of flirtatious bluffing...he asked her out ,and she said a seemingly casual Yes.

Now that a vivid picture of the premise has been painted,lets proceed to the 'Date Night'.

Though neither of them called this a 'date' but they did put all the effort in the world to pick the best from their respective wardrobes,for the sake of self-motivation ...if nothing else.
He took her to the best place that he could afford.I wouldn't call it romantic but it did have a sentiment to it which could cause a cute li'l love story to commence.Chivalry was on display for obvious reasons.

"One Tuborg for me and one 'Bloody Mary' for the Lady"
"hmm...u know my preferences already..impressive"

Hitting a conversation and taking it from grass root level to exactly where he wanted ,was no quandary for him.All he needed was a couple of Bloody Mary's ,some shot's here and there and 'tareefon ke pul'.But,She came on as a challenege and quite indomitable I must say.
Irony bestowed upon them and instead of she being led to places....it was she who led him to the Men's washroom (Ooops!!). With his male ego completely chopped off like minced chicken,he somehow managed to gather himself up and pay the Herculean bill this BLOODY not so 'merry' had created.
He wrapped his hand around her shoulder and pulled her a li'l closer with the intension of getting warmth more than giving any.
And for the sake of the li'l friend inside his pants he decided he wsn't gonna give up as yet.Maintaining a distance between her ears and his lips so much so that it was enough to be heard but not felt....he murmured
"wanna go some place else??"

To be continued....